Missouri Tigers to leave SEC, return to Big 12 in 2019

After six seasons in the SEC, the Missouri Tigers were eventually called on their bluff. Everyone in the Big 12 knew the Tigers would return, and it has finally happened.

At a press conference this morning, University President Dr. Mun Choi, Chancellor Dr. Alexander Cartwright and Athletic Director Jim Sterk announced that the Missouri Tigers return to the Big 12 will be effective in 2019.

However, not everyone in the Big 12 is happy about the “new” member of the conference family. University of Kansas AD, Sheahon Zenger, doubled-down on his stance to never play the Tigers on the football field again, so they decided to cut their football program, effective immediately.

Approximately five Kansas fans were seen rioting outside of Memorial Stadium on campus to protest the move, but just to troll the Jayhawks, Mizzou cut their men’s basketball program so as to never lose to them again.

Missouri Tigers Football

Former Tigers coach Norm Stewart was not happy about this decision, but when he went to campus to protest, the administration simply said, “Sit down Norm.” As of this morning, there’s still no word on volleyball, baseball or any other sport, but fans should expect more cuts to come soon.

The move by KU immediately affected in-state rival Kansas State. The Wildcats were very much looking forward to winning the Sunflower Cup, once again, but now the “gimme” game is gone. Bill Snyder never thought he’d see the day when he wasn’t playing against Kansas every year.

Meanwhile, I don’t think I’ll see the day when Snyder’s not on the sidelines with the Wildcats. When I’m in a hospital bed dying, surrounded by my loved ones, there will be a Kansas State game on TV with Snyder still coaching. Now, K-State’s only football rival is Iowa State, a fact which Snyder bemoaned.

Meanwhile, Iowa State is elated, because someone actually paid attention to them for a second.

One school not impressed with the new addition was the University of Texas. Still thinking that their bad years are equal to the good years of the Tigers, coach Tom Herman said they would beat Mizzou by 50 next season in Austin. Say what you will coach, but at least the most valuable Tiger is not a punter. Oh, wait…

Baylor simply said, “At least we’re better than Mizzou at women’s basketball.”

Texas Tech and TCU are just waiting for next baseball season to say anything.

Oklahoma was actually happy to hear of the Tigers return. Now their softball team can have some competition in the Big 12.

Oklahoma State was pretty chill on the matter, because officials were swimming in a pool of T. Boone Pickens’ money, until a tornado came in and blew it all away. Their new plan to recoup the money is to sell Mike Gundy’s mullet to Locks of Love. However, their asking price of $2 billion is rather steep, and the charity is unwilling to pay that price.

What about West Virginia, you ask? Well, for the second time this decade, they took the spot that Mizzou left and joined the SEC. For some reason, the conference has to take on teams from other states rather than expand into the ones they got and go for good programs like Florida State or Miami. But hey, they’re the best conference, right?

So, all is right with the world again. The Tigers are back in the Big 12, which means the Big 12 bar in Columbia is changing their name to SEC. Mizzou football fans are now hopeful that their near 50 years without a conference title in football will change, because they are out of the SEC (despite the fact most of that streak was in the Big 8/12).

It was fun while it lasted, Tiger fans, but the big SEC party is over. We soaked up the glory in the SEC for a few short years, but now we are back home again. Until the Big 12 eventually collapses.

While obviously a parody, it’s hard to say whether this column is simply wishful thinking or an April Fool’s gag.